Moles 0 - Westcombe Park Gents 63
On another truly glorious day for rugby, the Moles welcomed their first ever opponents, the Westcombe Park Gents, to Rectory Field.
The late cancellation of the Gannets match against Lordswood meant that the Moles had literally thousands of players at their disposal. When at 1:30pm there was allegedly no sign of the opposition, talk turned to holding a full contact game between the available Gravesend players. Thankfully, the Kent Ambulance Service was spared a busy afternoon dealing with the carnage that these 'friendly' events usually bring when navy blue Westcombe Park shirts were spotted trotting out to the 'Banana 2' pitch. Now, readers will be aware that the Moles are no spring chickens and additionally they are seemingly also challenged by the onset of Alzheimer's as no one seemed to recall a match as recent as December 2013 where after a strong first half, the Moles found themselves on the wrong side of a second half 'tonking' to a team of 25-35 year old quality players save a couple of 'token' silver haired fossils. Oh well, here we go again!
An at least 25-a-side warm up game akin to one of those Shrove Tuesday 'football' matches between two villages in Gloucestershire preceded skipper Mick Terry's pre-match huddle which was so big, it was reported as a crop circle by the Capital Radio 'Flying Eye'.
After a steady start by the Moles, the Gents quickly set the tone for the rest of the afternoon by breaking away, touching down between the posts and converting the subsequent kick at goal. However, the Moles did not immediately buckle and kept the score at 0-7 for the next twenty minutes or so. Strong running and ball carrying by the likes of Oaf, Poves, Big Bri and Russ Turley helped to make progress up the park but an inability to match the Gents' 'bite' at the breakdown resulted in the Moles frequently being turned over. At a break in play for an injury one of the thousands of extras, only trying to be helpful, observed that "We're not sticking to the game plan!" only for Mole of the Match Elvis to dryly counter that a 'leech, leech, crash' approach only worked if the Moles could retain the ball through more than one phase!
Despite the usual 100%+ levels of Mole commitment it just wasn't happening today and it was only a matter of time before Westcombe Park made their superiority really show and their remaining 56 points began to flow alongside the Ice Hockey like rotation of Moles' replacements. Maybe it was a 'nod' to how well the Moles were sticking at it despite the gap in class, that the Gents surprisingly elected to kick for goal when awarded a penalty some 30 metres out after 25 minutes. This proved to be the turning point in and the Moles conceded a further three tries to change ends at 27 points to nil down.
The second half saw the introduction of former Gravesend first XV star Jason Bowler at 8 to sure up the pack who although competing well at the set-pieces, remained less effective around the park. Despite Bowler's introduction and impact, particularly in the line out and subsequent mauls, the Gents continued to boss the breakdown, break the gain line and increase their margin.
Lloydy excited the crowd yet again with his unorthodox ball handling skills by palming the ball back 20 metres towards his own try line and away from the rapidly stampeding Gents' scrum half. Lloydy then beat the Beckhamesque tattooed 9 to the ball and make it dead. It all looked a bit weird at the time but on reflection definitely a try-saving endeavour. Genius!
More Moles consistency was demonstrated by Oaf who hobbled off ten minutes into the second half. He's unlikely to mention this because he doesn't really talk about his injuries but if you're out there Oaf, get well soon mate x
Despite the increasing deficit, more excitement brewed as the rampant Gents' full back approached one of the Moles' many debutants. Now the Moles is a very ethnically diverse institution featuring amongst it's ranks and alumni: Kentishmen, Men of Kent, Sweaties (too many it is sometimes said), a Scouser, an Ork, an Oaf, a Boer, a Lincolnian and a Merv, does it really need a mad Paddy? Too bloody right! Based on his first two games of rugby (he claims only to have engaged in angling and golf before his boy started playing for the U11s - yeah righto!) 'Irish Gary' Curran is a major find for the Moles. Already claimed for the 4s by fellow debutant and Gannets' skipper Ben Baker, as a mini and youth parent, it is the law that Gary is available for the Moles every three weeks. Now back to the Gents' full back: before he met Gary he was no doubt thinking about scoring a try; afterwards he was pondering how he would fix his torso back to his legs! Crunch!!!
Unfortunately, Jason Bowler suddenly came all over a little queer and had to be replaced at 8 by Elvis with ten minutes of the match to go. This was the Moles' Elvis's Vegas moment. After so long in the front row he was now in the big time and jogged over to the back of a line-out ready to make mayhem. Unfortunately, his joy was short lived when Carl Sells turned to him and said "Elvis, I can't lift!" Now Elvis, although reasonably educated, is at the end of the day a prop and so is ultimately as thick as any given metaphor. So, somewhat confused, Elvis wondered why Carl was playing second row if he couldn't lift or be lifted (to be fair it was only Carl's second game for the Moles - some have greatness thrust upon them! Not least in Moles rugby) but nonetheless Elvis left Vegas at the back of the line to join the second pod. Then it all became clear to Elvis that this wasn't Vegas and the Lions; this was Gravesend and the Moles. And there was the Moles' very own Martin Johnson, Velcro, at 4 on his knees and shaping up to give Phil Fordham a wedgie or maybe, if Phil was lucky, something even more intimate!!
With Gannet's pairing Ben Baker and Matt 'Sexual Predator' Abbott proving to be an effective half back combination in the closing overs of the second half, the Moles began to enjoy some useful possession deep in the Gents' half with Elvis and the pack making some progress with the leech ball. But it was all a bit 'too little, too late' and when the referee blew for full time the score was Moles 0 Gents 63
It was getting dark before all of the Moles had passed through the Gents' tunnel but there was just enough light left for hooker Terry 'El Tel' Howard and son George 'Tiny Turf' Howard to digitally capture a memento of their first game of rugby together.
As should always be expected after a Moles' fixture, proceedings carried on to a busy club lounge and players' bar where Elvis was the butt of all fines for wearing a Swans tie instead of a Moles tie, for wearing ginger trainers and for being voted Mole of the Match. Fortunately, Russ Turley, Elvis's vote as MoM, took the third pint on his behalf.
The night continued to the sounds of GRFC's own 'Oddballs' featuring (a drunk) Elvis and 'Mole around the edges' Chris Bampton ruining a number of popular tunes with Ian 'Tarzan' Turnidge and Neil 'Ned' Harding. Proof once again that the Moles are much, much more than just a rugby team!
Line up: Elvis, El Tel, Russ Turley, Garry Hodges, Oaf, Big Bri, Ork, Posty, Poves, Ben Baker, Nod, Andy Dadson, Matt Abbott, Mick Terry, Q, Baa Baa, Neil Martin, Velcro, Lloydy, Gary Curran, Gerry Keenan, Jobbo, Phil Fordham, Steve Wooton, Jason Bowler, Karl Sells, George Howard, Dan Beazer (there were more I know, sorry if I've missed you out!)
Referee: Stu 'Peggy' Pollard
On another truly glorious day for rugby, the Moles welcomed their first ever opponents, the Westcombe Park Gents, to Rectory Field.
The late cancellation of the Gannets match against Lordswood meant that the Moles had literally thousands of players at their disposal. When at 1:30pm there was allegedly no sign of the opposition, talk turned to holding a full contact game between the available Gravesend players. Thankfully, the Kent Ambulance Service was spared a busy afternoon dealing with the carnage that these 'friendly' events usually bring when navy blue Westcombe Park shirts were spotted trotting out to the 'Banana 2' pitch. Now, readers will be aware that the Moles are no spring chickens and additionally they are seemingly also challenged by the onset of Alzheimer's as no one seemed to recall a match as recent as December 2013 where after a strong first half, the Moles found themselves on the wrong side of a second half 'tonking' to a team of 25-35 year old quality players save a couple of 'token' silver haired fossils. Oh well, here we go again!
An at least 25-a-side warm up game akin to one of those Shrove Tuesday 'football' matches between two villages in Gloucestershire preceded skipper Mick Terry's pre-match huddle which was so big, it was reported as a crop circle by the Capital Radio 'Flying Eye'.
After a steady start by the Moles, the Gents quickly set the tone for the rest of the afternoon by breaking away, touching down between the posts and converting the subsequent kick at goal. However, the Moles did not immediately buckle and kept the score at 0-7 for the next twenty minutes or so. Strong running and ball carrying by the likes of Oaf, Poves, Big Bri and Russ Turley helped to make progress up the park but an inability to match the Gents' 'bite' at the breakdown resulted in the Moles frequently being turned over. At a break in play for an injury one of the thousands of extras, only trying to be helpful, observed that "We're not sticking to the game plan!" only for Mole of the Match Elvis to dryly counter that a 'leech, leech, crash' approach only worked if the Moles could retain the ball through more than one phase!
Despite the usual 100%+ levels of Mole commitment it just wasn't happening today and it was only a matter of time before Westcombe Park made their superiority really show and their remaining 56 points began to flow alongside the Ice Hockey like rotation of Moles' replacements. Maybe it was a 'nod' to how well the Moles were sticking at it despite the gap in class, that the Gents surprisingly elected to kick for goal when awarded a penalty some 30 metres out after 25 minutes. This proved to be the turning point in and the Moles conceded a further three tries to change ends at 27 points to nil down.
The second half saw the introduction of former Gravesend first XV star Jason Bowler at 8 to sure up the pack who although competing well at the set-pieces, remained less effective around the park. Despite Bowler's introduction and impact, particularly in the line out and subsequent mauls, the Gents continued to boss the breakdown, break the gain line and increase their margin.
Lloydy excited the crowd yet again with his unorthodox ball handling skills by palming the ball back 20 metres towards his own try line and away from the rapidly stampeding Gents' scrum half. Lloydy then beat the Beckhamesque tattooed 9 to the ball and make it dead. It all looked a bit weird at the time but on reflection definitely a try-saving endeavour. Genius!
More Moles consistency was demonstrated by Oaf who hobbled off ten minutes into the second half. He's unlikely to mention this because he doesn't really talk about his injuries but if you're out there Oaf, get well soon mate x
Despite the increasing deficit, more excitement brewed as the rampant Gents' full back approached one of the Moles' many debutants. Now the Moles is a very ethnically diverse institution featuring amongst it's ranks and alumni: Kentishmen, Men of Kent, Sweaties (too many it is sometimes said), a Scouser, an Ork, an Oaf, a Boer, a Lincolnian and a Merv, does it really need a mad Paddy? Too bloody right! Based on his first two games of rugby (he claims only to have engaged in angling and golf before his boy started playing for the U11s - yeah righto!) 'Irish Gary' Curran is a major find for the Moles. Already claimed for the 4s by fellow debutant and Gannets' skipper Ben Baker, as a mini and youth parent, it is the law that Gary is available for the Moles every three weeks. Now back to the Gents' full back: before he met Gary he was no doubt thinking about scoring a try; afterwards he was pondering how he would fix his torso back to his legs! Crunch!!!
Unfortunately, Jason Bowler suddenly came all over a little queer and had to be replaced at 8 by Elvis with ten minutes of the match to go. This was the Moles' Elvis's Vegas moment. After so long in the front row he was now in the big time and jogged over to the back of a line-out ready to make mayhem. Unfortunately, his joy was short lived when Carl Sells turned to him and said "Elvis, I can't lift!" Now Elvis, although reasonably educated, is at the end of the day a prop and so is ultimately as thick as any given metaphor. So, somewhat confused, Elvis wondered why Carl was playing second row if he couldn't lift or be lifted (to be fair it was only Carl's second game for the Moles - some have greatness thrust upon them! Not least in Moles rugby) but nonetheless Elvis left Vegas at the back of the line to join the second pod. Then it all became clear to Elvis that this wasn't Vegas and the Lions; this was Gravesend and the Moles. And there was the Moles' very own Martin Johnson, Velcro, at 4 on his knees and shaping up to give Phil Fordham a wedgie or maybe, if Phil was lucky, something even more intimate!!
With Gannet's pairing Ben Baker and Matt 'Sexual Predator' Abbott proving to be an effective half back combination in the closing overs of the second half, the Moles began to enjoy some useful possession deep in the Gents' half with Elvis and the pack making some progress with the leech ball. But it was all a bit 'too little, too late' and when the referee blew for full time the score was Moles 0 Gents 63
It was getting dark before all of the Moles had passed through the Gents' tunnel but there was just enough light left for hooker Terry 'El Tel' Howard and son George 'Tiny Turf' Howard to digitally capture a memento of their first game of rugby together.
As should always be expected after a Moles' fixture, proceedings carried on to a busy club lounge and players' bar where Elvis was the butt of all fines for wearing a Swans tie instead of a Moles tie, for wearing ginger trainers and for being voted Mole of the Match. Fortunately, Russ Turley, Elvis's vote as MoM, took the third pint on his behalf.
The night continued to the sounds of GRFC's own 'Oddballs' featuring (a drunk) Elvis and 'Mole around the edges' Chris Bampton ruining a number of popular tunes with Ian 'Tarzan' Turnidge and Neil 'Ned' Harding. Proof once again that the Moles are much, much more than just a rugby team!
Line up: Elvis, El Tel, Russ Turley, Garry Hodges, Oaf, Big Bri, Ork, Posty, Poves, Ben Baker, Nod, Andy Dadson, Matt Abbott, Mick Terry, Q, Baa Baa, Neil Martin, Velcro, Lloydy, Gary Curran, Gerry Keenan, Jobbo, Phil Fordham, Steve Wooton, Jason Bowler, Karl Sells, George Howard, Dan Beazer (there were more I know, sorry if I've missed you out!)
Referee: Stu 'Peggy' Pollard